Cold, dark and rain

Living in a country where the sun shines most of the year, even during winter, the rain and cold feel foreign to me. I can't help but feel torn between wanting to stay inside, where it's cozy and warm, and wanting to go outside, where the rain will fall and the air will chill me to the bone.I end up doing the first, since it’s the most comfortable and safe, but deep down, my heart beats to the rhythm of a lost and quiet song. A song with a strong and clear beat of a drum, forgotten by the mind but living in the soul. A song of old.

When it’s cold and I stay inside, I get a bit sad and tell myself it’s the seasonal depression. But when the cold wind blows, leaving me chilled to the bone, I laugh. Not because it tickles, not because it’s funny. I laugh because I’m alive. I let myself become one with the cold and feel my body relax as the resistance is blown away by that cold wind. I feel alive, strong, and confident that I can go through any hardships in life. And so I laugh. And probably dance a little, telling myself I do it to keep myself warm, but in truth, I just want to express my joy in that way.

Nights are longer during the winter, but not as much here in my country. We still have at least 9 hours of daylight during the winter. Even so, the end of the day seems to come too early and the days are less productive.

Cold, dark and rain. The best way to keep me inside the house. However, I’ve come to realise that my seasonal depression is not about cold, dark, and rain, but about staying in. Away from nature, away from life, away from myself.

I asked myself what I would like to change about my life, and one of the first things that came to mind was "spending more time outside." And then the cold and rain came, as if to test my answer, and honestly, as it is pouring outside, I still replied the same. And that’s why I went outside and stood in the cold rain while the sun was setting.

And I felt alive.