New year, new me

It's easy enough to say those four words. As a new year begins, how much are you willing to truly invest in what you want? How dedicated are you to following your resolutions when the motivation is gone and the day is dark and cold? I've always struggled with maintaining my focus.

I give up easily. Something weighs me down, something pushes me back, something drains my strength. I give up because I'm always so tired that I can't look at myself in the mirror and say "you got this". Always waiting for the right moment, waiting to be ready. It's so easy to slip back into the same familiar behaviors. I give up because I'm comfortable as I am. Not happy, but comfortable.

Comfort is something amazing when you're living your best life. It's nice to feel safe and comfortable in your home, in your skin, in your life. It's when you settle for less than you can get that it becomes a problem. The thought of "I could go for a run" is more comfortable than having to get up and actually go for a run. The thought of "I could change my life" is more comfortable than actually doing something about it, setting down goals and working towards them. There is always the risk of things not going as we planned, while in our thoughts, things always go as we dream them.

New year, new me. But not so fast. New me still has to deal with the choices of the old me. New me has to fight the current of all the choices of the previous me that led to the place I am today. So maybe the new me is more similar to the old me than I would like. Maybe I have to forgive the mistakes of the new me, since I'm still being weighed down by the old me. Maybe New Years is not about becoming someone completely different all of a sudden, but slowly making different choices so my future self won't have as much to carry next year.

I challenged myself to make different choices when I started this blog. It's not about purpose. It's not about how far it will take me. It's about how much I can heal. It's about how much I am willing to make different choices when the opportunity is right there in front of my face. It's about taking responsibility for my life.

So, new year, new me. It's easy to say those four words. Change starts slow and it starts on any day of the year.