Rediscovering gratidude

There was a time when I couldn’t find things to be grateful for. A darker time, with few hopes for the future. Anything that I could see as good only happened in daydreams. I was focusing so much on the lack. Lack of a job, lack of a home, lack of good friends and loving family, and perhaps most of all, lack of self-respect.

The more I focused on those things I lacked, the less I had to be grateful for. The less I was grateful, the worse I got. The world seemed darker and heavier and the air seemed to be pushing me down slowly and steadily.

Then, I started to accept the shadow. I started to accept that I wasn’t feeling good, that I wasn’t where I wanted to be, and that my life didn’t feel very good. Suddenly, I got proud of myself because I could do it. I could still live, even if not in the best place. I could still move forward, even if painfully. I grew grateful for myself and for the choice of holding a bit of space for the darkness to inhabit my heart. I even grew grateful for the darkness itself, for it could bring me closer to myself.

The more grateful I got, the more things I had to be grateful for. I started to go to bed happier, thinking about what little things I had that day that I could be grateful for. I started to thank the time I spent with my father watching a movie, or the dinner I had that night, or how I did something for myself as I went for a walk, or a small and quick message from a friend.

Out of nowhere, people started to come back into my life. Friends I lost contact with and family that was far away. And with them, gratitude for their presence came rushing into my life. The more I focused on the things I was grateful for, the more they shone a light on my dark world.

I couldn’t hold it for long, though. It lasted about a week or two. I relapsed again after hearing some not-so-great words about myself and after dealing with some not-very-reassuring actions. I started to doubt myself again, to doubt if I was really lovable after all.

But this time is different. This time, I’m not as afraid of the fall. I can trust myself to hold the part of me that’s dark and in pain, so I know I won’t ever be truly alone. This time, I’m still feeling the courage to be grateful.

I’m grateful for the fall, because it shows me what’s important to me. I’m grateful to the people who, despite their words and actions, crossed their paths with me in this lonely life. I’m grateful for my bed, on which I lay every night, and on which I can count my blessings in the quiet of the dark. I’m grateful for my heart, because it keeps beating despite the heartbreaks. I’m grateful for my tears, because they show me I still care.

Today the sun shines. The weather is beautiful and pleasant. My sad heart smiles a bit when my lovely cat, my companion, looks so happy in the sun. I’ll start a gratitude journal. I’ll count my blessings tonight.